may 31, 2025 // first post! privacy & med challenges

yay - my first journal post here! this seems to be the way i'm writing more lately... i think this might be a good way to get me to update this more, write more, and not have the same weird pressure to be *creative* all the time. maybe this will end up taking over the status page, but i'm envisioning this as a more detailed side to current stuff in my life that isn't just erased the next time i decide to write how i'm doing.

the only void left for me in my site and all the writing and other sharing i've enjoyed through it is more personal situations. i made the decision a year ago when i got this website to a decent place to share it with my friends because i was excited, proud, and i think a website is an inherently public medium. it feels unnatural to put this much energy into a project without sharing it with anyone irl.

unfortunately, i'm in the awkward place now where i cannot vent because even if my friends/partner/anyone else in my life have opened my website once, they have the url now and this isn't social media. i can't selectively private a journal post that references something i don't want someone i've shared this with to see. i can't really post about any relationship challenges without accepting the reasonable possibility that he might read it, and there might be things i am processing that i want to write out but don't want him to see in this form.

i get that i don't have to share all journaling here, and i can absolutely have boundaries with the journaling about mental health or whatever, but the idea of being able to vent here, with someone able to read it that doesn't know me, feels comforting to my mind, like i'm not just struggling with these well-constructed thoughts alone. i'm sure anyone else on neocities can relate to the joy of creating this thing that anyone could see - someone that doesn't know you irl and never will, but could engage with something personal that you spent time with or holds a little snow globe of your life. or maybe this is just what i have to tell myself to be motivated to do longer-form journaling. idk

regardless, it's been a challenging month for me, and i think a lot of the problem has been the new psych med that was added to my usual daily 2 medications. i was in a good place with my mental health, but i struggle with hormonal mood fluctuations, and i wanted to be as stable as i can be all around. i'm currently withdrawing from the medication and i kind of want to just be happy enough with being happy every month minus like 3 days, as this has shifted my perspective and i now remember how it felt to not feel as stable as i have lately most of the time. psych meds are exhausting - i highly recommend not being mentally ill!